Overcome Fear - Get Naked (Artistic Nudes - May Be NSFW)

*** This post artfully depicts nude images that may be considered "not safe for work" (NSFW).

I decided one of my biggest fears was being seen nude. Currently I am 6'5" 278lbs. and have always been a big kid/adult My body self-consciousness started around puberty. I started getting dark stretch marks around my stomach, arms and shoulders. I really did not know what they were and was kind of scared. They looked horrible. If kids in my class saw them, they made fun of me. I was also a late bloomer so where friends and classmates were getting body hair...I wasn't.

I have always had a background in music from getting solos in plays to recording radio ads to you name it. I was horrified when my new school put me into P.E. I wanted to be in band. That was my intention from the very beginning. I was a drummer not a football player. Tried football in middle school and kept breaking bones. I asked my parents to please call the school and have them switch me. I never expressed the deepest fear of all which was the group shower. I knew just starting puberty I would NEVER live any of it down. The first day of school I was not switched. The first day of P.E. was going over what the year was going to be like. We had no clothes to change into so we sat in a damp, humid locker/shower room for a meeting. After class was over, I simply thought...no underarm hair, no chest hair, no pubic hair on my per-pubescent genitals and thought...FUCK THAT!

Every year in Boy Scout camp it was the same thing. For some of the Scout services and ceremonies we were required to dress like (Americanized) Native Americans. A large group of men and boys all getting completely naked in front of each other to put on skimpy loin clothes that barely covered anything? Ugh. I did it but kept my tighty-whities on underneath as did some of the other Scouts. I lived through it every year but my anxiety went through the roof and never subsided. It just built on itself making it worse as time passed by.

So how do I break into being more comfortable with my body? Do I hang out around the house naked? I really had no idea. When I lived in Florida there were nude beaches and nude resorts you could visit. I figured one of those options could be a great ice breaker. Jump right in.

As much as this sounded like a halfway decent idea, it was not logistically possible and the closest one to me was two and a half hours away in Nashville. Brainstorming continues...

Being unemployed I was constantly looking at job postings applying for various positions. Then I saw it. There was a position posted explaining they were looking for nude models for what ended up being the Hite Institute for Art and Design at the University of Louisville. I applied and got an interview. Being asked why I wanted to do this I explained that I am a musician and love art. This was a new way for me to create art with a new medium. Sharing my inspirational story I also mentioned my transplant but not the "facing my fears" aspect of it.

The background check and processing took about a month before I was fully approved. I was given a tour and given instruction of where to go and who the instructor was I was working with. First, day I just show up like I was told. The instructor fired questions at me. Who are you? Where is your robe? Have you done this before? I felt humiliated because I did not have answers for most of his questions. For that day he had me strip down to my underwear and that is what I modeled in considering I did not have a robe. He pulled me to the side after class and gave me a 10-minute training session. Wow, it was a lot. That night I went to Dillards and bought a large robe for $75 in the big and tall section. As instructed, I also surfed the net to get ideas for poses.

Each class was three hours long three times a week. Also, the model is responsible for time keeping and not the instructor. You have to stay completely still for the length of the pose. Because of this I could not lok at the clock on my phone. There was a small wall clock on the back right wall. I had to make sure I was in a pose facing the clock to keep time or if it was short poses, I could count it out in my head allowing me to face away from the clock. It was usually four one minute, two five minute and two ten-minute sets. It changed up a bit each class. Then I would pose for 30 to 60 minutes. Usually there was a five-minute break halfway through. When it was cold outside the art room was also a bit chilly. They had a space heater on the floor close by and it did the trick. Sometimes it worked too well. I would literally be sweating on one entire side of my body and freezing on the other complete side. It was a strange feeling freezing and sweating at the same time. It also paid $19/hour.

The ice was broken. This was the launching pad for defeating my fear of being seen naked by others. Below is a video of the first set at the beginning of class. I have also included some still images of the poses from the video.

ALL IMAGES ARE COPYRIGHT PROTECTED BY MATT HEITZMANN.