Light at the end of the tunnel?

I've been thinking today and inspired to do an entry today. Things overall are ok. They are fine. Are they though?

Speaking to a friend today about "faking it until you are making it." It's kimd of like that with medical rehab and recovery. You want to feel better and sometimes you force yourself to be "on" even though you feel like shit.

The two biggest challenges facing me right now is insomnia and major depression. My insomnia is due to neuropathy in my hands and feet. It hurts ten times more than usually due to a medication I am taking for transplant.

How bad does it hurt? Imagine on a scale of one to ten, it hovers between four and six. It then spikes up to twelve if there was one on the scale. The feelings vary from the feel of what I imagine a sharp kindercare slicing the side of my foot. Someone taking their fist and digging knuckles as hard and as deep in the arch of my foot. Not to mention the tingling, burning and extreme pressure. It's non-stop but nighttime is the worst.

I try to put on my mask everyday not for sympathy but to try to inspire those around me. It took me some time to realize this until today. I was just trying to play it up to show I was ok. Never did I ever think that I would be an inspiration for someone else. That motivates me to want to try to get better even when my body doesn't allow me to do so.

Is my quality of life better or the same than before the transplant? Yes and no. The different examples vary. With a new kidney I'm alive but up usually at least three nights a week with pain and insomnia.

I guess what I am saying is always try to have a positive oitlook if not for you, those who may be watching because you may be the one thing that keeps them going.